oliverfield | Container for @TheOtherRobin

[ cont. ]

Jason, c'mon. Don't do that. You're a good person. Like, objectively. And in practice. Totally good, not trash.

( eddie can talk trash about himself all he wants, but trash talking jason? that's crossing a line.

which says nothing about being 'boring,' because that's a new one. eddie's been called a lot of things, but self-righteous self-loathing being viewed as boring is a new one. he has to laugh a little at that. )

Why? Because I'm bad. Too bad to just let you go. The right thing to do would be to not get a beach house and fill it with dogs with you... And I know I said, like, five seconds ago that getting three dogs would be the responsible thing, but it's actually the super irresponsible thing here.

I'm not though, am I. I've done a lot of shitty things. I've killed someone, man. That doesn't make me a good person. My entire fucking life I've been a mistake. If you're gonna call yourself a bad person, then so am I.

[because Eddie is definitely better than he is, so if he's gonna trash talk himself, then he's gonna have to listen to Jason do the same about himself.]

You're missing the point. You're missing the whole goddamn point. Who the fuck cares if you're good or bad, or whatever the hell. Why can't we just be? Aren't you tired of fighting it all the time? I know I am. I just wanna be with you. I want you to stop beating yourself up over something that doesn't exist anymore. I fucking forgave you ages ago. You think that was easy? It wasn't, but I did, so get the fuck over it.

[he hates that it always comes down to this. there's a knot in his throat now, and tears that he tries to hold back, because he hates getting this emotional about it.]

Every time you tell me that the right thing to do would be to leave me, or to not do all the things we say we're gonna do together, it fucking kills me. Are you the bad one or am I? Why is it so wrong to wanna do those things with me? Why can't you just tell me that you're here because you love me?

Just fucking leave, then. Do your supposed right thing and go. Leave me all alone, all over again if that's what you really think the best, most responsible thing to do would be. Like serious, what the fuck are you waiting for?

Dude, I eat people. You literally, mathematically, can't be worse than me. Cannibalism is about the most unethical thing there is. Right after people who don't use turn signals.

( no, focus. eddie, this is serious. no time for bad jokes. )

Jason, it's not you. It'll never be you. I'm all the things wrong with my life. You're probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. I look at you and I feel... I dunno, hope? Like, good. Like I'm not that terrible, and that there's a chance I can be better. And I like that about you. Us.

But then I talk about this, and it turns into this, and then I feel bad all over again. Which, again, is normal... because seeing you upset makes me upset, and it's like a whole echo-chamber of sadness.

Bottom line, though. I'm not leaving. I don't wanna leave. I like being around you. I love you. But there's still so much you don't know about me... Feels like we're having two different conversations sometimes.

Mathematically? Do you even hear yourself right now?

[this isn't the time for bad jokes, and it just makes Jason shake his head, and want to shake Eddie, because why? after everything they've been through together, he doesn't get it.]

It feels like it's me. When you can't wrap your fucking head around wanting to stay and wanting to be with me, it feels like it's me because if I did make you feel good, of I did give you hope, then you wouldn't be constantly drowning in this. But you are, and nothing I say or do seems to be able to pull you out of it and why not? God, Eddie. Do you have any idea how much I fucking hate myself? How much better I think the world would be without me in it? But then there's you and us, and I can't even think about that shit anymore because what I have with you is better than that and it pulls me out of it. That is what you do for me. But I can't seem to be able to do the same for you.

One day you're gonna leave. You're gonna talk yourself into it so much that you'll be convinced it's the absolute right thing to do and you're gonna leave me, because nothing I ever say will change your mind.

[and he can't help but wonder if it ever would have been the same with Annie. no, he knows it wouldn't have been. it's just him. Jason fucking Todd and all the reasons not to stay.]

If there's so much I don't know about you then tell me. You're the one not telling me.

( being stuck like this is hurting both of them. the only real answer here is for eddie to get over himself, which is made more apparent by jason sharing that he, too, sort of hates himself. similarly, eddie doesn't see how that's possible. jason is great; he doesn't have any reason to see himself as anything but the best.

they're both being obscenely hard on themselves, and for what?

who is it helping? )

Hey, Jason, I'm sorry for making you feel like this... But we trust each other, right? A lot? So... I'm going to trust you when you say it's okay to be here. Even if it's hard. And it's not like it'll just, whoosh, heal my brain overnight, but, yeah, I'm gonna trust that you want me here. And that it doesn't matter that I suck. And that you love me.

But you gotta trust me when I say it's not you. I promise. I've felt like bad news since I was born, not because I started dating you.

( there's a lot to unpack with that one, though. )

Yeah... I'll tell you.

[ it's kind of amazing that Eddie's never seen how much Jason hates himself before. Jason would be relieved, proud of himself for keeping all his bullshit so close to his chest that not even the guy he's with, who says he loves him had seen it. truth of it is, it's sad. it's really fucking sad. sort of hates himself is such an understatement. ]

I trust you, yeah. I've been trying to trust you with everything, all the time. I don't really know if you trust me, though.

[because this isn't the first time its come up, and he has a feeling it won't be the last.]

I'm scared you're gonna leave me anyway. No matter what I do, what I say. No matter how much I love you. In the end you're just gonna go.

[he wipes at his eyes, looking away. Eddie keeps saying it, over and over again. the best thing, right? the right thing would be to leave. to leave him. hearing that over and over again, it's wearing on him. it hurts him so badly when all he wants is for Eddie to stay.]

I feel that way about myself too. I wasn't even supposed to be here. I'm a fucking mistake, ok? Been told that day after day after day until my parents fucking died, and then I was passed around over and over again after that cause no one wanted me. People die around me, people get fucked up around me. You wanna hear about bad news? That's it. Does that make me bad for wanting to be with you anyway? According to you it does.

[he'll unpack it. he's tired of holding it inside. he's tired of this awful back and forth for no reason.]

Tell me, then. But don't you dare turn it into how bad you are.

I trust you, Jason. ( he reaches out and grasps jason's hand. ) You don't have to worry about that. I'm more of a 'trust someone until they give you a reason not to trust them anymore,' which you've never done. Even if you did... I dunno, you'd probably have a good reason for it. So I'd forgive you. ( ... ) The same way you forgave me.

Huh.

( coming full circle, things are clicking together, here. they view each other similarly, in the sense that jason could light eddie on fire and eddie would find a way to forgive him. if that goes both ways, then he gets why jason isn't as hung up on the things that eddie's done as eddie is. )

If I feel like leaving, I'll just do what I'm doing now. Talk you. And you'll bring me back down to Earth. Like now. So it's gonna be alright... I think I trust you more than I trust myself at this point. I need you, Jason.

...But, if we're going to be shoveling through my childhood trauma, I'm also gonna need a beer.

( reluctantly, he lets go of jason. )

You want one?

[ it's hard to come up with a retort for that when Eddie grasps his hand. when it seems like maybe it's all dawning on him, clicking into place like he's finally understanding what Jason's been trying to say.

the overwhelming anxiety that's threatening to bubble over dies down a little. ]

The same way I forgave you. Exactly. Because you know me and I know you, and there are things more important between us than anything else. That's what matters. You gotta let the guilt go.

[it says a lot that Jason's so freely talking about his fears. he never would have in the past. he would have done anything he could to avoid it. but he trusts Eddie that much. he wants to believe that Eddie trusts him that much too. when he tells Jason he needs him, it's hard not to. it's what he's been aching to hear. he wants Eddie to stay because he wants to be here, because he needs to be here with him, not because he thinks it's the right thing to do to leave but he's staying anyway.]

Good. You talk to me any time you're feeling that way and I'll tell you what an idiot you are. But most of all I'll remind you of how much I fucking love you and need you too.

[Jason's fingers tighten around Eddie's briefly before he lets him go.]

Yeah, sure. I could use a beer or two.

Love you, too.

( it's dawning on him, slowly but surely. he nods. he's getting there, closer to the what jason's been trying to say than perhaps ever before.

progress? this might be progress. )

Or two? Cool. Sounds like I'm bringing over the whole case.

( and he does, plopping down a pack of twelve fancy beers in front of them before returning to his seat at jason's side. he could sit across from him just as easily, but that feels like too much distance. he's always liked to keep things close, even before he obtained venom and met his match on what it means to be inseparable. plus, it works out here. jason is clingy, eddie is clingy, jason likes to feel needed, eddie can't believe anyone would need him. match made in heaven.

eddie could finish twelve beers on his own, but he doesn't think he will. not that kind of night. after opening a can for each of them, his hand returns to jason's. )

I killed a kid when I was fifteen. And I think about him every day. I don't think I can ever be a good person after that.

( now that the worst of it is out of the way, he can drink easily. )

[ Jason waits quietly for Eddie to come back and he's glad when he takes his seat right back next to him. he would roll his eyes and flat out deny that he's clingy, but Eddie's right. he is, and he's relieved that Eddie does seem to mind. when they talk about things like this, he can't help being even more so.

maybe he won't ever stop being scared that Eddie'll leave him again, or maybe they'll be progress on that too, just like how Eddie's getting there now.

he takes the can of beer with a nod of thanks, curling his fingers back around Eddie's, ready to listen. he knows just how hard Eddie is on himself so he's ready to hear all the put downs, but he doesn't expect this. ]

What do you mean you killed a kid? What happened?

I mean I got drunk and high with my friends, stole my dad's car, and when I tried to sneak it back, I hit my neighbor's kid. Son.

( there are only so many ways to commit homicide, and eddie's pretty sure 'chose' the worst one. the most gruesome one. the most haunting one. )

It was an accident. Obviously. But I never had a chance to make things right, y'know? That's all I've ever wanted to do.

[ ever since he killed that guy, Jason can feel the weight of it on his shoulders, in his gut. he hated himself before, but now? now it's even worse. and that guy deserved it. he can't even imagine how much this must be weighing on Eddie.

it's bad. it's really bad, and Jason's speechless for a long moment, before he takes a long sip of his beer because he doesn't think his mouth has ever been this dry before. ]

Holy shit.

[it's more of a whisper than anything else.]

How did you... didn't you... fuck. What were the charges? Did you go to juvie?

Yeah... yeah.

( holy shit is right.

chances are eddie would feel much better if he'd killed someone the way jason had, someone who deserved it and actively sought to do harm. it's hard to say, though, because eddie can't rewrite the past and swap out a kid on a tricycle for a mass murderer, but he knows it would make a difference because he's killed — and eaten — two mass murderers now, and he doesn't feel anything close to what he feels for the neighbor's kid.

the guilt and pain he feels surrounding that is the entire core of who he is today. )

Uh, no... No charges. My dad was pretty cool with all the local authorities. The sheriffs and all. ( he's not looking at jason; he's just looking forward. there's nothing in particular in his line of sight. ) I tried to confess, but, no, he wouldn't let me. Didn't want it to ruin the family name. He broke every bone in my face until I convinced myself I was innocent. At least that's what it felt like.

( it didn't stick, though. clearly. at least he isn't in denial about any of it. he knows what his dad is, and his dad is the worst.

one beer down, ten more to go. )

Crazy stuff.

[ it's bad. Eddie's right, it's bad. drunk driving, killing a kid, getting off scot free... it's bad. Eddie was a kid too though, and he wanted to confess. Jason knows what it's like when your father beats something into you... or out of you. it's a whole different kind of emptiness.

he's quiet for a long while and then he lets out a breath and turns so he can shifts his legs up onto the couch and moves closer to Eddie, looking at him. ]

You didn't try to run from it Eddie. You wanted to pay for what you did. He didn't let you. That's on your piece of shit father. And now? Now you're doing what you can to make up for it, even if it feels like you never can.

[he can't, Jason knows it. that's not something that ever goes away.]

You're right. It was a bad thing, but that's not everything you are, Eddie. It's not your entire existence. It was a terrible thing that happened when you were a kid, but you're not a bad person.

Yeah, no, you're right. It's— I mean, I fucked up then. Feels like I've been fucking up ever since. He used all the money we had to cover it all up, for his own sake. I never wanted that. Never wanted to be innocent. Just wanted to be good.

( there's layers to this. eddie's view on the wealthy, on cops, on the criminal system. he's seen first hand that all it takes to get away with murder is a trust fund and some networking. if he's one of the people that's been mistakenly set free, how many people are in the opposite predicament, mistakenly behind bars, because their fathers don't go golfing with the chief of police on sundays?

jason's right; it's not going to go away. in twenty years, it hasn't gone away. he still spends nights behind the wheel of that car, seated in the cold, steel chair of that interrogation room. he wonders if he'll always been that fifteen-year-old, sick with guilt, stained in tears and blood. )

I just don't know if I try to do right because I want to see the world in a better place, or because I'm trying to make up for something I can't ever fix. That's more... existential, I guess. Trying to figure out the reasons we do the things we do. If they're selfish or selfless. I don't know. I'm just tired of being the problem.

That's you Eddie. That's your character, who you are. And... look, I get it. This feeling of constantly fucking up, of never being able to do the right thing. I get that you wanna be good.

[the thing is, Jason knows those layers too. he was on a different end of it all, but he's seen it all. he also knows everything Eddie's tried to do since then.]

I know you. You wanna see the world in a better place. You don't want innocent people to suffer. If you're trying to make up for something you can't ever fix, then that's just part of it too, but I know that no matter what, you'd be sticking up for people anyways, because that's who you are. Not whatever bullshit your dad pulled.

[Jason squeezes Eddie's hand, pulling it against him.]

Hey. Look at me.

( better is all he's ever wanted. better for the people who don't have a voice, for the people that society looks over of. he just wants to be an agent of good. and, sure, he's done bad along the way, like ripping his motorcycle down the empty highway at 99MPH, but he's never wanted to hurt anyone... aside from a few choice billionaires, and both of the ones on that list came down to life-or-death situations. harm for harms' sake isn't who he is. like jason said, it's not his character.

jason's just tugging eddie's hand, but all of eddie lean's forward, looking at his with drowning eyes. )

...Hey, yeah, I'm lookin' at you. I see you.

[ Jason knows this. he knows what kind of person Eddie is. he's always been on Eddie's side, even with the whole Annie thing. Eddie just wanted to help people. to save them.]

I need you to see yourself too, Eddie. You are a good person. You're not the problem. I've known it ever since first time we started talking. You're one of those truly good people, from the bottom of your heart and that's why this is crushing you the way that it is. You have a conscience and a soul, and a good heart.

[Jason scoots forward even more, wrapping an arm around Eddie, pulling him closer so he can rest his forehead against the other man's.]

You can't change what happened, we both know that. But you've been trying to change things ever since. You're good. I promise you, you're good.

Jason...

( he sighs slowly, relishing the contact, feeling years of tension leave his body. )

...I don't know what I'd do without you. You and Venom, you're the only ones I have left. Without you— I dunno, I think I'd check myself into Arkham if I didn't have you with me.

[ Jason moves his free hand around Eddie's shoulder, wrapping it around the back of his neck, the other still holding on to his hand so tightly. ]

Good thing I'm never leaving you then, huh? I'm with you through everything. Through anything you wanna do. I'm with you. But I need you to be on board with yourself too.

( brusquely, eddie pulls his hand free of jason's in order to wrap both arms around his waist. it's a quick transition, but once he's hugging onto jason, he doesn't want to let go. everything about him is grounding: his warmth, the sound of his voice, to feel of his hoodie. for a moment there, it's like he's the only thing in the world.

if you ask anyone, they'd say that vulnerability sucks. but here, it feels alright. it doesn't feel bad to make it known how much he needs jason, even if it means leaving himself completely emotionally open. a lesser person might use this opportunity to hurt eddie in the worst of ways, but not jason.

never him. )

...

Why do you smell so good?

[ Jason holds on to Eddie tightly, closing his eyes and burying his face into his neck. he knows how hard this is. he gets how much vulnerabilities suck because he's fought against his own for a lifetime. he'd never use any of this against Eddie. not ever.

at those words, Jason has to smile just a little, nuzzling into him.]

Hmm... maybe cause you love me? And wanna be with me? Also... I showered this morning in hopes that you'd wanna kiss me all over.

Yeah, man, I love you, but sometimes you smell like burgers and B.O.

( as all dudes do. it's a guy thing.

when he doesn't smell like mystery meat, or locker rooms, or fancy soap, jason tends to smell nice all on his own. eddie thinks he's just one of those people who inherited the 'good smell' genes.

possibly due to how nice he smells, kissing him all over sounds like a good plan, so he places 'figure out how to rescue venom' at the top of his to-do list right after this break for kissing jason's neck, cheek, and, finally, his lips. )

Never! I never do.

[Jason laughs quietly, kissing up Eddie's neck just the same, tightening his arms around him just a little more as he relishes in those returned kisses up his neck, trailing to his lips. he tastes tears there, and he wants to kiss them all away, as stupidly romantic as that may seem. ]

I love you.

[Jason has to say again, cause yeah, that's him. stupidly romantic, and wanting Eddie for everything he is.]

Thank you for telling me everything. Thanks for trusting me. I love you.

( you can't talk about the time your dad locked you in a interrogation room with nothing but your bruises and your guilt without an occasional bout of tears. stupidly romantic is right, because eddie would probably appreciate the effort that goes into kissing them all away.

it's been a while since eddie's been schmoopy with anyone. it's sweet. it's surprising, coming from jason. not anymore, now that eddie actually knows him. but at first glance, jason doesn't seem like he'd be the type to enjoy cuddles and cheek kisses. it's a good subversion of expectations; eddie likes that he's like this. warm, affectionate, receptive to being pulled onto eddie like a jason-sized blanket. )

I love you. I think meeting you was like fate or destiny or something. The good kind... I don't think I told that to anyone, not even my therapist. Sss. Therapists, multiple, because I was never good at sticking with them for long.

here's some advice

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: child death

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject